Introduction: Hey guys, check out this nice little tribute review to A Look at Disney where writizblok, author of No Fancy Title Reviews reviewed Old Dogs as I said I'll never review it but now there is a review of it on A Look at Disney.
Hello, I’m Jeff, also known as writrzblok on the TGWTG blogs section. I write “No Fancy Title Reviews” and I am actually going to be writing this installment of “A Look At Disney.” The reason for this is because in his 200th blog post, Moviefan12 said he would never review “Old Dogs,” calling it the worst live action Disney movie ever made and couldn’t sit through it whatsoever. So, I asked him if I could review it on his behalf. After watching it, (twice) I find myself reminded of the old saying, “No good deed goes unpunished.” This is my review of “Old Dogs.”
Plot
The movie centers around Dan Rayburn and Charlie Reed played by Robin Williams and John Travolta, respectively. They have been best friends since they were kids, as the song “You were a friend to me” by Bryan Adams illustrates to anvilicious ad nauseam. Vicki (played by Kelly Preston, Travolta’s real life wife), an old flame of Dan’s, has re-entered his life...only to tell him that he has seven year old fraternal twin children and that she is going to jail for two weeks and through hijinks and implausible plot convenience magic, Dan and Charlie have to watch the kids for two weeks and close a sports marketing deal that could make their careers at the same time.
This story depends on everything going wrong at just the right time. It also depends on gay jokes, race jokes and sheer idiocy on the parts of bit characters like Dax Shepard, Luis Guzman, Justin Long and Matt Dillon. The problem with the plot is that Vicki says she has no one else to watch the kids while she’s gone. Really? You have no one? You don’t have parents who’d love to see their grandkids? Adult family members like brothers/sisters/cousins/aunts/uncles etc? Same goes for Dan, he just found out he’s a dad; he couldn’t call in a brother or sister? Given his age, his parents being dead I could buy but Vicki looks to be in her late thirties. The chances of her parents being dead are unlikely. Not that it’s ever brought up. They don’t get to talk about themselves or have any kind of rapport before the plot kicks into gear.
Also, Vicki waits until seven years have passed to tell Dan he has kids? I mean, that’s a pretty significant detail that a man would like to know! I mean, granted the timing was wrong for a relationship but they could’ve worked something out. They could’ve talked! Was the break up between them that bad? If it was, why in God’s name are they hung up on each other after only one night of alcohol fueled passion?
Not to mention: alcohol, tattoos, sex, and bestiality. You know, “For kids!” Stay Classy, movie.
The Characters
Dan Rayburn (Robin Williams)
Dan is a worrywart. He had recently been bitterly divorced by his wife and on a trip to south beach, met and married Vicki and then had gotten annulled from her the very next day. Apparently, he had never gotten over Vicki completely and is thrilled when she re-enters his life. Then when she introduces him to his kids, things get complicated. His relationship with Charlie is one of the story’s main focal points as despite their differing personalities, they are loyal to each other often to their own detriment.
That being said, Robin Williams sleepwalks through this role whenever he isn’t mugging for the camera during the comedic bits. The scene in a tanning salon where he appears half nude and shaven like an Olympic swimmer is cringe worthy at best and is meant to set up a running brick joke about a chest tattoo he got during a trip to Miami. The scene in which he suffers from poor depth perception and dry mouth during a golf game is excruciatingly long as well as a chore to sit through. His acting with the kids is clichéd sap from beginning to end. There is also a character arc in which Dan is awkward around kids and a bit of a bumbler. It’s supposed to be charming but in a one scene where he stands in the stall while his son uses the bathroom, it becomes apparent that there is a fine line between being awkward, and being one step away from a Dateline exclusive. At that point, it isn’t awkward, it’s stupid.
Charlie Reed (John Travolta)
Charlie is the Lewis to Robin Williams’s Martin (and yes, I am ashamed I referenced a much funnier duo, thank you). Charlie is a ladies’ man; the jokester with a more outgoing personality than Dan’s. He hits up women in nearly every scene he’s in. Charlie is incredibly focused on the job but is also sympathetic to Dan’s plight and, despite very vocal reservations; helps provide Dan and the kids with a place to stay.
Travolta, despite the good chemistry with Williams, behaves like a manchild in this movie with his collector’s items, posh bachelor pad and laissez-faire attitude to life. At times, when complaining about the situation with the kids makes him seem like an insensitive jerk. There is a small subplot with an interpreter for a Japanese businessman played by Lori Laughlin, but it barely gets any screen time and the wrap up is as meaningless as it is contrived.
Supporting Character
Craig White (Seth Green)
Craig is the junior executive assistant to Dan and Charlie. Young, eager but a bit spacey at times, Craig is there to help his bosses out with the kids when the situation demands.
The character of Craig is completely unnecessary for the simple fact that he is comic relief. That wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself but this is a comedy. You know what that means, right? This movie felt it needed cathartic laughter to relieve the tension in their comedy! And it fails spectacularly. Every time he shares the screen with Travolta and Williams, Green is completely out-acted and overshadowed by the two stronger presences.
Vicki Greer (Kelly Preston)
The catalyst for the movie’s plot, Vicki is Dan’s old flame from a drunken marriage and annulment in Miami. Vicki is going to prison because she chained herself to the doors of a chemical plant in a bout of environmental activism. It’s this (and Dan incapacitating the one friend she apparently has) that kick starts the movie’s plot.
Kelly Preston is here to look good for the cameras and react to Robin Williams’ character’s lines. It isn’t that she does a bad job; she just isn’t given very much to do. Every scene she has except for the plot reveal is reactionary. She reacts to Dan taking the kids, she reacts to Dan taking a job to Japan, she reacts to Dan saying he was a fool to leave them, etc;
Positives
The children (Conner Rayburn and Ella Bleu Travolta) pretty much deliver the best performances because they’re essentially being themselves. They’re just kids and they do what kids do. One of the more refreshing things about this movie is that these are not bad kids. They aren’t the stereotypical spoiled mad-geniuses who actively torment their parents or other adults for their own sadistic pleasure. For instance, the scene where the kids switch up Dan and Charlie’s medication is caused by a simple accident. It’s a good thirty second bit because it’s little kids being little kids, instead of little Joseph Mengeles.
Another decent part of this movie and I’m sad to say this is Bernie Mac. He played Jimmy Lunchbox, a children’s entertainer. He’s only in it briefly but he does pretty well. Unfortunately, this movie would be his last after his untimely death in 2008. Justin Long and Matt Dillon ham it up as camp counselors and provide some of the more chuckle-worthy lines in this film but genuine funny moments in this movie is like walking halfway through the Sahara Desert and finding a glass of water at the half-way point.
Final Thoughts
This movie was abominable. The story was horribly predictable with plot holes you could fly The Yamato from Space Battleship Yamato through. I’m serious, I knew where the story would go from point to point and all I was doing was counting the minutes in between story beats. The acting from the main cast is lackluster except from the kids but then again, I’m not even sure how much of their work was acting. This truly is the worst live-action movie from Disney I’ve seen to date.
A special thanks to Moviefan12 for letting me put this together.
